February 29th:

In these past few days, I’ve tried various messages to check in on Valentin. I suggested he engage in more physical activity and socialize with people. I even recommended that he read a bit about history and see how others cope with wartime conditions or watch a movie about this. He sent me this message:

“Thank you for your support. Today, I was thinking about what you said. It’s fascinating how people’s minds work. When you came into my mind, I was seeking a way or a place that would uplift my mood and be safe. I thought about our previous conversation, and seeing your image brought a good feeling and calmed me down. Thank you for all your suggestions. Yes, today I went for a run, completed my university tasks, and tried to engage with society a bit. I’m making an effort…”

March 5th 2022:

Valentin: “Hello, sorry that you haven’t heard from me in these past few days. This week has been tough. Many of my friends called me. My mom called me from Russia. She was very upset and crying. Some of my friends left the country. Honestly, now almost all of my Russian friends have left Russia. It’s a very bad situation, and I’m afraid it will stay like this for a long time. I had some money in my Russian account, but now I practically can’t do anything with it. I can’t transfer it to my account here. People are still getting killed every day, and it’s terrifying. Anyway, today was a good day. The university had in-person classes, and I felt like I was living, not thinking about Russia. Afterward, I went to my friend’s place, and we had dinner together. I hope things get better. I want to believe that things will improve. This week was tough. Thank you for being there and supporting me. It’s essential that these days I received many messages from my friends in different countries asking about my well-being. I know you are one of those friends who genuinely cares about me, and it means a lot to me. Thank you. I hope you’re doing well… let me know how you are doing.”

-I replied: “Hello, thank you for your message. I actually wanted to reach out to you today. I’m really sorry that this week has been so tough for you. It’s not easy for me to see you like this because I’ve always seen you with so much energy. I’m glad you have good people around you who care about you. I don’t know what to say about your situation and the situation in your country. I’m just sorry that you have to pay the price for something you didn’t choose. Here in Sweden, people are a bit scared because of Putin’s statements. Also, a couple of days ago, Russia entered Swedish airspace. What bothers me a lot is that there have been so many wars in the Middle East or Eastern countries, and it seems like Europeans don’t care until something like this gets close to them. Why doesn’t anyone care about people being killed in Syria? Are their lives less important than Ukrainians’? It really upsets me, to be honest.

About myself; I’m doing well and studying for my exams, which will start soon. By the way, I’m a bit worried about Addi (our mutual Ukrainian friend). I messaged him, but he hasn’t replied. Do you have any news about him? I know many people probably messaged him, maybe that’s why he hasn’t responded. I’m a bit concerned about him.”

-He replied: “Regarding what you said about people not caring much about what happens in the East; I can say that I’ve realized this since I started traveling. It seems like the world revolves around the West, and as long as something happens far from Europe or America, these countries don’t really care. The situation with Ukraine is the same. It’s not about Ukraine itself; it’s just because it’s close to Europe and scares people. Not that the people of Ukraine matter more. If, for example, Syria were close to the European Union, the same thing would happen. As for Addi, don’t worry. I think he should be fine now. He posted a story on Instagram, and he seemed to be in good spirits.

Different people from different countries have messaged me, and it makes me feel like I’m not alone and abandoned in my situation. I feel like I’m losing my home. It’s as if I’ve realized that I’ll never go back. It’s like this is my life now. My fate is to always live abroad, not speak my mother tongue. Maybe I didn’t think much about returning before, but at least I felt like I always had that choice. Now it feels like that choice is completely gone. This certainly can make me stronger.”

March 13 2022:

Today, Addi finally replied to my message. In his message, he told me that the war has completely shattered his mental well-being. He is voluntarily helping Ukrainian refugees at an institution in Portugal. According to him, it’s the least he can do to cope with the situation.

Valentin messaged me: “Yesterday, I watched an interview with an 80-year-old Russian actor. It brought tears to my eyes because she was so sincerely expressing her feelings. It seems like she has lost all hope for the future of our country. I feel like I haven’t fully processed this situation yet. I don’t smile as much as before. I’m not as happy as before. I’m sorry for changing so much in these few weeks. I hope this situation ends soon…”

April 2022:

The news of war and its chaos circulates less these days. Valentin continues his journey in Britain more calmly than before. The latest news I have about him is related to his stay on a farm in Edinburgh with a wealthy English family, as he describes them. He works on the farm during the day and stays in a room they provided him for free. Among the news these days, my attention is drawn to the rising gas prices in Italy and people’s fear of war, leading to empty pasta shelves in supermarkets. Another piece of news highlights the increase in the purchase of iodine tablets after Putin’s nuclear threat. I feel like everything is gradually fading away, like all the other unfortunate events that have happened before, like the onset of COVID-19 that initially frightened everyone. The death toll kept increasing every day, and in the beginning, the numbers were terrifying. One hundred, two hundred, up to four hundred deaths due to the pandemic. Today, these numbers may just represent a set of digits for us. They’re just a set of numbers lined up in news headlines to represent the end of people’s lives.

The war news, from the initial shock and panic, has now become a constant element, a part of life that everyone has found a way to face. It seems like the impact of war and its consequences is gradually revealing itself. Everyone is somehow involved. Valentin, in his latest conversation, mentioned finding a stable place and residence. It feels unbelievable that someone who has traveled the world for four years in a row, exploring over forty countries with a backpack, is now thinking about settling down. Addi has applied for residency in Canada. In fact, the Canadian government has provided a program for Ukrainian refugees, and Addi has applied for asylum through this program. This decision has led him to formalize his relationship with his partner, Aidil, so they can migrate together. They are waiting for their visa, and the war was enough for them to think about living far away in another continent.”

Maria is a Russian girl I got to know through Valentin. Valentin knew her from his undergraduate days in St. Petersburg. Now, Maria is at Stockholm University, for her post-doc studies.

Since the war started, I haven’t seen Maria. Once, when we coincidentally met in the university corridor, I asked her how she was doing and she preferred not to talk about the war and its related issues. That brief encounter was enough for me to understand how much it bothers her. A few weeks later, as we went for a walk along one of Stockholm’s streets, she spoke about her silence. She viewed it as a defensive mechanism against the overwhelming emotions the war had triggered. Sitting on the rocks at the end of Slussen Street, facing the beautiful view of Stockholm, with a cool breeze, Maria, lost in the blue of the lake, said to me, ‘I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe someday, with my boyfriend, we’ll take our little van, go somewhere in the woods, and build a small cabin for ourselves. A place far from everything and everyone.

Maria stoped talking to her family for a while, she tried to get distant from all news websites, and anything related to the war. She worked hard at the university, leaving no room for thoughts about anything else. 

Ania, my Polish friend, told me about the migration of two million Ukrainians to Poland. The Polish government, which had restricted the entry of Syrian migrants to the Polish border a few months before the war, had completely changed its policy for Ukrainians, opening the borders for them. Ania had seen many Ukrainian refugees warmly welcomed at the borders. Everyone contributed in their own way—someone brought a blanket, another a flask of tea. Despite this hospitality, the issue of two million additional people in the country was indeed serious. Housing conditions in Poland have worsened significantly. There are not that many teachers in Poland know Ukrainian, so, what will happen to all those Ukrainian children who have left their studies and schools?

Dani, despite the fear of returning to Russia, is looking for a job and a way to settle permanently in Sweden. He says if he goes back, they’ll forcibly send him to war. A few days ago, I saw him in the kitchen with a big smile on his face. He had finally found a job. It was somewhere in northern Sweden, known for its cold and dark days. Nevertheless, he holds himself safe from the war and leaving Sweden. He hosted himself on a short trip to Poland to celebrate this achievement. During his stay in a hostel, he faced the reaction of the hostel managers, who advised him not to talk about his country so that other guests would feel comfortable.

June 2022:

Dani left the dormitory without saying goodbye and started a new life somewhere in northern Sweden. Maria continues to dedicate herself to work to avoid think about what bothers her. One of my common friends with Dani, Mina, is a 31-year-old girl from Georgia. I saw her in the dormitory kitchen, expressing her frustration with the Georgian government for allowing thousands of Russians into their country. From her perspective, the arrival of war-torn Ukrainians wasn’t an issue, but the migration of Russians provided an excuse for the Georgian government to oppose joining the European Union.

Yutan is my phd friend from China, who have migrated from China over eight years ago and had lived in the United States, England, and now Sweden. He remained eager for adventure and exploring different countries. In February 2022, when I was talking to him about the future, his plans was doing a post-doc project somewhere other than Sweden, possibly Australia. By June 2022, everything had changed after the war. He chose to stay in Sweden for residency to marry his Russian girlfriend and bring her to Sweden. Yutan loves her but didn’t believe in marriage; this decision was solely to create stability and get his wife out of the current circumstances.

Valentin, in his search for a home, is thinking about different countries, settling, and finding a place for residency. Perhaps the most significant impact of the war on him was the decision to stop traveling, settle down and obtain residency. When I first met him and heard the stories of his travels, I never thought he would one day talk to me about settling down and staying somewhere. Or at least, I never thought it would happen so soon. Valentin’s top choice is Italy, which he describes as the most beautiful country in the world. To be honest, I can’t see him in Italy. Valentin is like a free bird, moving from place to place. Travel is a mission for him, and I see him dedicating himself to it as much as he can.

‘I think wherever you choose, after you get residency, you’ll move on from there, and your life won’t be just about untraveled journeys.’

I said this to him with a smile.

We saw each other a few weeks ago. He came to Sweden to visit me. We spent a few days in Stockholm and then headed to Copenhagen. He told me about his cousin who was killed in the war and his close friend, who lost his job due to political protests against the war. He told me Russian people are divided into two groups, those against the war and those in favor. And this division is not only impactful in the face of war; it affects human relationships, work, and all other dimensions of life. Like Valentin’s relationship with his psychologist. They had disagreements about the war, leading him to terminate his therapy.

July 2022:

It’s been a few days since Addi and Adil landed in Canada. After six months in Sweden, I returned to Italy. Andy, my Russian friend, is almost the only one left among my friends in Padua. The others have left Padua for work or studying. Andy is an intelligent guy who has earned an excellent student scholarship in our master’s program. He is currently doing two master’s simultaneously. In fact, I can say he does nothing specific other than studying and astrophysics. He is exactly like the characters portrayed in TV shows about physicists—someone with high intelligence but not very successful in social life. After the war, he has lost all his focus on studying.

‘I had booked a ticket for a trip to the Alps. I heard about the war the day before my trip and canceled my ticket. I didn’t know what to do. We gathered with my Russian friends, and we didn’t know what to do! Those days were really tough… Maybe before, whenever I found a Russian person in Padua, I would be very happy. But now, it’s like we all want to distance ourselves from each other. No one knows what’s going on in the other person’s mind. My father supports this war and says Ukrainians are fascists and should be killed. My mom, on the other hand, stays silent and doesn’t say anything…’”

August 2022:

The last message Valentin sent me:

‘I now understand and accept more of the reality of the war. I’ve accepted that it exists. I’ve accepted the fact that I live in a new reality where I witness the war, and I’m doing my best to cope with it. Whenever I come across a beautiful sentence or phrase about coping with war, I share it on my Instagram page, although I’m not as active as before. I’ve realized that for this war, I need to be in a good mental state to have the energy to cope. So, I’m working on myself.

A few days ago, I told one of my friends that I really hate Russia. It’s good to admit this. I’m not innocent, so I can hate. Many say that when you hate something, it’s like destroying yourself. But I don’t have a problem with that. Each of us destroys ourselves in our own way. I can hate Russia because it gives me a very bad feeling.

Many people still pretend as if nothing has happened. Those who don’t want to talk about the war and say nothing. And I’m like, the fact that you’re not doing anything turns you into one of them!

After all these months, I feel more hatred. But at the same time, there’s more peace. And that in itself is contradictory!”

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If you want to read more of my thoughts, check out Diary category!