Sometimes we fall for someone, hoping they will heal us. But not every love story brings healing. Some relationships are full of pain. This is a love story of a girl and a boy who are trying to find love. She wants love but doesn’t let herself to be fully open for it. He hates himself and hopes that love will fix what’s broken inside. But sometimes, love hurts in ways we don’t expect.

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She dreamt of riding a horse in a big city. As she sat on the horse and moved ahead, suddenly she saw him there. From the distance, his face was not clear, but she knew that it was him.

She recognized him from the long, tousled, curly blonde hair and ginger beard. She instantly changed her path. She didn’t know why she was escaping from him; it was as if some force was leading her to escape.

The horse went further and further away. She couldn’t see him anymore, but she felt his gaze on herself. She didn’t look back and continued to run away. Until when he appeared in front of her, blocking her path. Fear and terror filled her entire being, and she recklessly jumped out of the dream. Her heart was pounding.

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A Love Story That hurts

Emily got up, got dressed, and left the house. The weather was warm, and a pleasant breeze caressed her face. She went to her favorite cafe and ordered cappuccino. It was this cafe where she had first met Jack.

It was small but cozy, with staff who always smiled. The cafe lights were dim, giving it a special atmosphere. The tables were old and damaged. There were some sofas, and some chairs. One of the couches had a broken leg, and it was placed with books instead of being repaired. Near the entrance, they had set up a few tables and chairs on the pedestrian walkway.

For their first date, they sat on one of the outdoor tables. Jack went to the counter and bought drinks for both of them. As cliche as this move was, it gave Emily a good feeling. They played backgammon together. The deal was that whoever lost would treat the other for another drink. Emily lost.

Now Emily was in the same cafe. But this time alone. She saw Jack and his friends around a table. She instantly walked out of the cafe.

She didn’t know why she was escaping from him; it felt like an unknown force was pushing her away. She left in a hurry, her heart was beating fast. She sat on the sidewalk and cried for a while.

She wanted to go back and confront him. She wanted to finally express all the feelings that had been building up inside her. She was furious, angry, sad and disappointed. Instead of going back to the cafe, she walked around the streets, crying.

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A boy in the search of love

Jack was a 26-year-old boy with curly, blonde hair. His room was usually messy. His desk was full of empty bottles of beer and wine. They were lined up in a row. His bed was always unmade from the night before. He struggled with sleeping every night.

He had various rituals for some decent sleep. His room curtains had to be fully closed. The room temperature shouldn’t be too warm or too cold. The window had to be open but not too wide to let any noise in.

He had to use a weighted blanket and placed two pillows under his head and one between his knees. He always had to wear a sleep mask and put earphones on, listening to podcasts until sleep took over. Even with all these rules, it took hours for him to fall asleep.

That’s why he typically slept in, and his refrain was often, “I couldn’t sleep well for several nights.” This sentence was usually accompanied by the story of his ADD, explaining the reasons behind his sleepless nights.

Contrary to what he said, the persistent lack of sleep hinted at his deep hatred toward himself. The never ending melancholy was just the anger he had towards himself. He loathed himself so badly. But he didn’t want to engage with these feelings and confront them.

If he were to confront these painful emotions, the only escape for him was an eternal end: suicide. Thus, he occupied his mind with various distractions. Ignoring the issues that troubled him was a talent he had honed well.

He hid his problems by going to too many parties, using alcohol and drugs, and sleeping with a lot of women. He said this all began when his heart had been broken very badly in the past. His longtime girlfriend had left him for someone else. Since then, he had changed and become a person skilled in socializing, sex, and drinking.

He had some good sides too. Jack traveled to a lot of countries. He was also talented in cooking and His taste in music was amazing. He could play guitar and piano very well. It ran in the family, as nearly everyone was passionate about music, each mastering at least one instrument.

Jack was smart but always procrastinated on his tasks until the last moment. This recurring pattern persisted throughout his school and university years. He would procrastinate until the final moment and then put in relentless effort over a few weeks.

A few days before the deadline for university projects or end-of-term exams, he would take ADD medications. He would work his ass off in the library to get good grades.

He knew almost everything about any topic, but nothing in depth. Everything he knew was because he was an avid reader and did a lot of crosswords in his free time. He also spoke German, Spanish and English fluently.

At school, he wasn’t popular. He was not fun or neither good looking. He struggled to make friends. His parents became concerned about his social skills. They decided to switch him from a private school to a public one. They hoped that his social skills would improve.

This change had the desired effect. Jack gradually began to transform and made an effort to be more socially accepted. He made more friends, but then he started to only pay attention to friends and struggled with studying.

Jack had only one sister who was quite different from him. She lived in London with her German boyfriend. In contrast to him, his sister was so organized, precise, and successful. She considered herself more of a reflection of their father than their mom.

Maybe that’s also explains why Jack didn’t have a very good relationship with his dad. His father couldn’t understand his world. It was as if their minds functioned with entirely separate logic. Each was incapable of understanding the other.

For his father, everything followed a logical progression: school, university, work, and starting a family. Jack had a particular talent for disappointing him in each of these areas.

His mother, on the other hand, was different. She always supported her son. They had a good relationship. His mother battled cancer, and Jack always carried a part of his thoughts dedicated to her.

Even when it was not obvious for others, his mind lingered on the profound fear of losing her. This happened even when he stood at the club’s corner lighting a cigarette. That fear never diminished.

He often slept a lot at night or suffered from insomnia. A little of his day went to studying and university, while most was spent hanging out with friends. On weekends, he usually went to clubs and came home drunk and tired the next morning. This cycle continued repeatedly.

The alcohol and drugs changed his appearance. At twenty-six, he looked like he was in his mid-thirties. After several months, he lost a lot of money. His family, especially his parents, became worried about him. They traveled to Germany, saying that they were visiting his sister’s boyfriend’s family. In reality, they went just to check on him and understand his situation.

Finding love in a relationship

Emily was different from the other girls Jack met. She was brave and confident, showing no fear of losing him. This relaxed attitude attracted Jack.

After spending some time together, he knew that he wanted her very much. He hated himself so much but, he hoped to win Emily’s heart. He thought loving her will change everything.

Jack’s feelings for her were deeper than just a desire to be sleep with her. He truly wanted to be in love and to stay in love. Once Emily saw this side of him, she began to have feelings for him too. He was hopeful for finding love, but he was still struggling to break his pattern though. So sometimes he slept with other women without telling Emily about it. He didn’t want to lose this relationship.

Emily was beautiful, kind, and romantic. Her unique charm attracted attention, and conversations with her were easy. She listened attentively and valued people’s feelings. However, she often ended up choosing the wrong people.

Her first relationship was with a guy who loved her. He patiently tried for eight months. He bought her bouquets, gifts, and poems and gave her love letters until she agreed to go on a date with him.

That relationship lasted for three years, during which both invested considerable time and emotions. Unfortunately, this love story took a dark turn and transformed into an emotional abuse. His persistence love shifted into stalking, and his romantic gestures turned into manipulative tactics.

This painful ending made her very disappointed in love. After the breakup, she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. She was always afraid of loneliness but was also afraid of getting closer to other people. At some point, people coming and going in her life left Emily feeling exhausted.

When she met Jack, she was already very drained. She was still hopeful for finding love, but her past relationships took all her energy. She was emotionally tired.

Their love was not insane. There were no bouquets of flowers, no gifts, no daily endless conversations. Their relationship did not resemble scenes in movies or books that portray ideal love. When they saw each other, their hearts did not beat any faster.

Neither of them were particularly fond of each other, but they liked spending time together. For the first few months, they discussed any issues they had, and they always found a solution. But gradually things started to change.

Emily couldn’t understand why, but Jack was not spending weekends with her that often anymore. He would usually go out on Friday and Saturday nights with his friends. On Sundays, give a call to Emily to meet her. She was not invited to the parties anymore. But she also was too drained to do something about it. She kept being in the relationship because didn’t want to be lonely anymore. That was the only reason that she had.

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The Wounds Left Behind

On that specific day, Emily was wearing a brown shirt with a skirt that reached down to her ankles. Her long black socks extended up to her thighs. She took off her skirt and hung it on a wooden hanger beside the door. The walls of the room were tall and painted white. She sat on the chair.

The chair felt cold. She spread her legs apart and placed them on both sides of the chair. It was so uncomfortable. She raised her head towards the ceiling and stared. The ceiling was white with an ugly lamp in the middle. She was stressed. 

The doctor approached and asked her to move closer to the edge of the chair. She moved and the chair made a disturbing noise. It didn’t feel good. With an initial glance, the doctor remarked that things were not fine.

She looked away from the doctor and focused on the ugly white ceiling. A sudden sharp pain shot through her legs, making her body shake. She twisted her waist and instinctively leaned back in the chair, feeling intense pain throughout her body.

The doctor took a sample and said, “It will be over soon, just be a bit more patient.” Emily stared at the ugly white ceiling. It only lasted a minute, but it felt much longer.

Finally, everything was over, but she was still in pain. She saw the doctor’s sampling stick. It was covered with blood. The doctor handed her a few sanitary pads, and she got dressed.

The doctor mentioned the names of several diseases and began writing prescriptions: “More tests need to be done to make sure of your condition.” The doctor’s lips moved as she continued to speak, but Emily seemed not to hear anything. She only nodded her head as a sign of acknowledgment. The doctor said, “The medications I’ve prescribed are a bit strong. If you have stomach issues, you might experience discomfort, but you have to take it.”

Emily worked hard to hide her feelings, but she felt angry and sad inside. The doctor said, “Healing takes time. Have your partner get tested.”

Emily was unsure if she was more hurt for being sick or for feeling betrayed. The pain was strong, and the bleeding continued. Her legs felt weak, and she couldn’t stand. She wanted to cry but knew it wasn’t the right time. “I’ll write you a prescription for a vaginal ultrasound. Don’t forget,” the doctor said.

“How can I go for a a vaginal ultrasound now that I’m in pain? It will probably be much more painful than this.” Emily responded.

“There’s no other way; I’m sorry,” the doctor replied with a particular coldness. Emily headed towards the exit.

She felt like her body was paying the price for Jack’s betrayals. Paying the price for his wrong choices, for sleeping around and lying to her. Just a few hours ago, she only had her heart broken, and now, in addition to that pain, she was ill as well.

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Healing when love hurts

The relationship between Emily and Jack met its inevitable end, much like all the other girls Jack had been with or all the boys who had disappointed Emily. However, Jack still thinks about her, but he doesn’t want to face her.

Not because he’s afraid of her, but because facing her means confronting a part of himself that he wants to avoid. It means being reminded of everything he dislikes about himself. A reminder of the voice inside of him that says: “ You are a failure.”

He is the same person as before; he continues sleeping with different girls, drinking, smoking, going to late-night parties, and taking drugs. But now, self-loathing festers deeper within him.

Emily’s medications are about to finish, and she is still healing. However, Jack’s memory inflicts a distinct emotional ache. She doesn’t want to confront him. Part of her hates him so much, while another part wants to escape from him. Not because she’s afraid of him, but because facing him means, in fact, confronting a wounded part of herself; a reminder of all the pain and sorrow.

She is the same person as before; she is afraid of relationships and she doesn’t want to be lonely either. But now, her fears are intensified. Now, more than ever, she is afraid of people and love. Her fears have found confirmation—a resounding echo that suggests love don’t love her. 

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If you want to read more about people I met, check out Stories Category!