I have been listening to this song repeatedly this week without realizing why I feel it aligns with my mood these days. Now I figured it out. It’s because of its refrain which says:
If you bled, I bleed the same
If you’re scared, I’m on my way
I found out that how much I have missed the safe people I used to have beside myself. Back home, I had some of these people. People who would get in their way if I was in need. They were there for me, even without me asking them for help. Once they looked me in the eye or hear my voice, they knew where they should be. Maybe there were only a handful number of these people back there, but still.
I guess this is the reason that I don’t feel here as home yet, as a place that gives me a sense of belonging. I remember when I was in Iran and hear about other people, who are in other countries, feeling homesick time to time or missing their country although they are overly successful abroad and have lived somewhere out of Iran even for over 30 years, I always thought they just say some bullshit, pretending to have these feelings to get more attention. ”How could someone live somewhere for a very long time and not feel it as home?” I asked myself.
But now I don’t see it the same way as before. You can be somewhere with facilities, qualities and things way better than the one you used to have, but you still suffer. You ‘re in pain because you have a house, but not a home.
For many people sense of belonging is having a kind of sense of nostalgia when they think about their home country, its streets, parks, museums, food, and so on. Whereas, for me, it all defines by people. By relationships that I grow with people in that place, let’s say. I guess that’s why I feel so unconnected here. I literally feel like a foreigner, an outsider, someone who is not included. And to be honest, it is not a good feeling. You don’t mind it if you won’t stay somewhere for a long period, but imagining myself bearing this for 2 years seems to be a nightmare.
Am I ever going to have some safe people here in this town? Am I ever going to feel somewhere at home other than where my family and friends are? They say it gets better after a while. Well, does it?
(3 months after moving to Europe …. )